I felt like that today.
I'm here to tell you that at my weight -- 380 as of today -- tying your shoes and walking to the car is not easy, never mind anything officially called "exercise". Today it hit home for me what a monumental task I have undertaken, with this determination to exercise and get in shape. My gosh. I mean... huge. I suspect people who have to learn to walk all over again after an accident might feel a bit like this, though I imagine even worse.
It's not like Rocky the little guy coming from behind as the underdog and you know he's gonna make it because he's determined. It's more like Jabba the Hutt taking on Chuck Norris. It might be fun for Chuck but there'd be nothing of 'ol Jabba but a bunch of jiggly flesh to mop up when it was over. I was wondering if that is what would become of me before my workout was over today.
To start, today was the arms group #1 (incline curl, kickback, hammer curl, wrist curl). I forgot the wrist curls altogether in my distracted exhaustion, whoops. This was a harder workout. I don't think the kickback is the target muscles planned, because anything that has to go around the side of my body means I have to hold my arm farther out than someone normal-sized would.
Then was the legs group #1 (split squat, calf raise). Alas. I couldn't do either of them. I mean... I just don't have the muscle. And in the case of the squat, it actually invokes fear. Like my knees tell my heart, "Don't go there, man! Don't dare!" and I could hardly even get myself to try.
I was kind of demoralized by that. That I couldn't even do half of one. Finally I decided I would have to do something else instead. On my legs, I stood, bent my knees so I was about 1/3 down, which was hard for me to hold. Then I held it as long as I could before the muscles were giving out, which was 30 seconds. I know. Pitiful. I had one hand on the top of my weight bench (in sitting incline position so it's tall) for that. A couple times my left knee and right hip twinged but I just held it, and that went away instantly. I'm calling them "kneebend holds" so I have some label to reference in my workout log.
For my lower legs, I sat down on my Bean, which is low (below my knee level), and then hold my feet up on their toes, supporting as much of my full legs' weight as possible, and hold it as long as I could. Which was about 30 seconds. I'm calling those "tiptoe holds".
I was feeling just ridiculous by then. I did another set on a couple of the arm exercises using the next dumbell poundage up, just to reassure myself that I was truly a man. I mean, hu-man. Like, worthy of my skin.
The power plug for my exercise bicycle was found today, so I decided I would do what biking I could. (The one shown at left and on their website is not exactly like my version of that model that I bought years ago. The bottom is all solid on mine, the bottom of the control panel is a bit diff, and I think mine is wider.) On the bright side, I was able to hoist my left leg up, and onto the middle of the bike, so I could slide onto it, and carefully slide my foot from the middle across and into a pedal. Couldn't do that last time I tried. My right leg didn't fare so well. I got it onto the pedal but couldn't hold it up far enough or long enough to get the pedal turned around so my foot was in it. Finally, trying not to sob a little in frustration at how my mind was TELLING my body to do something it couldn't, I had to grab my leg above the knee with both hands and physically pull it to the middle of the bike, adjust the pedal, help get my foot into it, and then finally I was ready to go.
I set it for level 1 (of course). I decided I'd ride for 30 seconds at 30+RPM, and then another 30 seconds at 60+ RPM, and then another 30 seconds at 90+RPM, and then rest a bit.
Famous last words. I couldn't even make 30 seconds on the 60RPM! I made 20 seconds. Thought I might have a heart attack from the effort, at that, and I had to rest for like three whole minutes.
Then I decided I would do it again: 30 at 30, then 30 at 60. This time, I only made 10 seconds at 60. And I put my head against the bike's front readout panel and gasped for breath, hearing it seem to echo all around me, wondering what insanity prompted me to think I was up to this.
Most spinning is 90+RPM for 20+ minutes. I can't even do 60RPM for 30 seconds. Man!
So I got my feet out of the pedals, and stood on the floor straddling the middle of the bike. But then... I couldn't get my left leg up on the middle again. I repeatedly tried to use momentum and lift it up enough that I could get off the darn bike. Huyeauuaaaugh! ...None of my ridiculous sound effects from the strain helped. In the end, nearly crying in my exasperation, I had to reach over and grab my stupid leg above the knee with both hands and help HEAVE it over the damned bike's middle.
I was hoping to feel better after my workout. Not sure I did, after that. Physically maybe. Emotionally, not!
I'm glad I did it, but it was such a shocking reminder of the real state of things with my body. I need to get in shape, in order to get in shape for getting in shape. I was drenched with sweat, felt exhausted and kinda spaghetti-weak, and this before I got to the bike, let alone after. My legs weigh so much, damn! I had been kind of hoping for some halfway decent number I could write down about my progress, and set as a goal.
But maybe I should be more realistic. Maybe my first goal should be "being able to get on and off the damn exercise bicycle." Maybe my next goal should be, "able to do even one, count them ONE, lunge squat." Maybe I was an idiot to think I could really make any goals whatsoever besides,
"Survive to try another day."
MUSIC for the day: Eli & The 13th Confession -- by Laura Nyro
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